I grew up in a fairly conservative church. Yes, we would raise our hands occasionally, but that was about the extent of our charismatic-ness. There was no speaking in tongues, casting out demons, laying hands on people for healing, or even praying for people right then and there. You would always say you would pray for people, but it wasn't ever right then & there, it would be off on your own time, if you happened to remember. I knew these activities existed, but I was never around them. When I joined YWAM, I had my eyes opened to the ways that other denominations and cultures worship, and to allowing the Holy Spirit to move & lead in an active way. I was made aware of my own fear of man, and began to learn what it was to worship God with my whole heart, in freedom, and in a way that expressed what I was feeling to God, regardless of what others thought.
I think that people at home would now consider me charismatic, though compared to many people here, I'm still conservative. Recently, I've been struggling with what worship is supposed to look like, and if my heart is in the right place. I also realized that I had been listening to the lies of the enemy that were saying I had to worship in a certain way, or that I wasn't holy enough because I didn't do things the same way as most other people, or because I wasn't super excited to spend 2 hours in worship & intercession 5 days a week, along with an additional 4 hours of required intercession on my own. It was just too much for me.
I was seeing everyone around me super excited to spend so much time in the prayer room, super excited to be doing street evangelism, super excited to jump around & dance in worship, and always wanting more. I began feeling like I wasn't good enough, that my heart was too sinful, and that I was in the wrong because I didn't do those things (or even want to do them). My time at home this summer was good, but was kind of dry spiritually. So coming back into this community was a little much for me. It's hard to explain, but I couldn't handle all the God things now in my life. It sounds ridiculous to say that, almost un-Christian, but I wasn't in a place to receive and engage in everything going on. It's not that there was too much God, because I have been talking to him regularly all throughout my days, but all these "godly" activities were too much for me. I don't know how to explain this well, but I felt like I was a huge, unholy sinner because I didn't want to participate the way that everyone around me was, I didn't want to spend hours on end in the prayer room, or in worship.
I was uncomfortable, and I didn't want to do something when my heart wasn't truly in it. I hate lying and I want to be genuine, so I couldn't engage in these activities with a joyful heart because my heart wasn't in it. But I couldn't figure out what was going on in my heart either. There comes a point though, when you have to step out of your comfort zone, or do things when you don't feel like it because you know it's right. You can't base everything on your feelings. And you can't use the excuse of personality or upbringing either. So I have been participating in the worship & intercession times, but I've been bummed because I want to be excited about these things the way that I see others around me are. I've been doing it out of duty, not because my heart really wanted to. I want to be passionately in love with Jesus and be excited to spend time with him. I want to have a hungry heart...it just hasn't been there. But I also don't want to be pressured to do something I can't genuinely engage in.
I expressed my frustrations/concerns/and the pressure I was feeling with a couple of friends, and it has been so encouraging. I realized that I was not alone...others have struggled with similar things. One of them prayed for me, I've realized the lies that I've been listening to, and I've asked for God to be working on my heart. I've again remembered the truth that all worship does not have to be expressed in the same way. One person can dance around in jubilation, while another only taps their foot, and both are acceptable to God...it's all based on your heart. God looks at the inside, not the outside. We have the freedom to dance & sing or to stand in awe & silence...based on our heart and what we feel the Spirit is leading us to do. The ways we can worship, I suppose, are as different and unique as each of us are. We don't all have to worship in the same way. Yes, there is power when the body of Christ acts together in certain things, and stands in agreement in things, but it doesn't always have to be done the same.
Christ brings freedom. Christ brings truth. So all of this to say...I have the freedom to worship God in my own genuine way. I no longer have to believe the lies I have been believing. Oh, and Jesus is answering my prayer and giving me more of a heart/hunger for him. I'm learning to get over myself, act outside of my comfort zone, and I'm learning to love my hours in the prayer room.
Thank you Lord for your patience with me!
I think that people at home would now consider me charismatic, though compared to many people here, I'm still conservative. Recently, I've been struggling with what worship is supposed to look like, and if my heart is in the right place. I also realized that I had been listening to the lies of the enemy that were saying I had to worship in a certain way, or that I wasn't holy enough because I didn't do things the same way as most other people, or because I wasn't super excited to spend 2 hours in worship & intercession 5 days a week, along with an additional 4 hours of required intercession on my own. It was just too much for me.
I was seeing everyone around me super excited to spend so much time in the prayer room, super excited to be doing street evangelism, super excited to jump around & dance in worship, and always wanting more. I began feeling like I wasn't good enough, that my heart was too sinful, and that I was in the wrong because I didn't do those things (or even want to do them). My time at home this summer was good, but was kind of dry spiritually. So coming back into this community was a little much for me. It's hard to explain, but I couldn't handle all the God things now in my life. It sounds ridiculous to say that, almost un-Christian, but I wasn't in a place to receive and engage in everything going on. It's not that there was too much God, because I have been talking to him regularly all throughout my days, but all these "godly" activities were too much for me. I don't know how to explain this well, but I felt like I was a huge, unholy sinner because I didn't want to participate the way that everyone around me was, I didn't want to spend hours on end in the prayer room, or in worship.
I was uncomfortable, and I didn't want to do something when my heart wasn't truly in it. I hate lying and I want to be genuine, so I couldn't engage in these activities with a joyful heart because my heart wasn't in it. But I couldn't figure out what was going on in my heart either. There comes a point though, when you have to step out of your comfort zone, or do things when you don't feel like it because you know it's right. You can't base everything on your feelings. And you can't use the excuse of personality or upbringing either. So I have been participating in the worship & intercession times, but I've been bummed because I want to be excited about these things the way that I see others around me are. I've been doing it out of duty, not because my heart really wanted to. I want to be passionately in love with Jesus and be excited to spend time with him. I want to have a hungry heart...it just hasn't been there. But I also don't want to be pressured to do something I can't genuinely engage in.
I expressed my frustrations/concerns/and the pressure I was feeling with a couple of friends, and it has been so encouraging. I realized that I was not alone...others have struggled with similar things. One of them prayed for me, I've realized the lies that I've been listening to, and I've asked for God to be working on my heart. I've again remembered the truth that all worship does not have to be expressed in the same way. One person can dance around in jubilation, while another only taps their foot, and both are acceptable to God...it's all based on your heart. God looks at the inside, not the outside. We have the freedom to dance & sing or to stand in awe & silence...based on our heart and what we feel the Spirit is leading us to do. The ways we can worship, I suppose, are as different and unique as each of us are. We don't all have to worship in the same way. Yes, there is power when the body of Christ acts together in certain things, and stands in agreement in things, but it doesn't always have to be done the same.
Christ brings freedom. Christ brings truth. So all of this to say...I have the freedom to worship God in my own genuine way. I no longer have to believe the lies I have been believing. Oh, and Jesus is answering my prayer and giving me more of a heart/hunger for him. I'm learning to get over myself, act outside of my comfort zone, and I'm learning to love my hours in the prayer room.
Thank you Lord for your patience with me!
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