2013 was an interesting year. In January, I began staffing my third DTS. Of course there were challenges here and there, but overall, the lecture phase of DTS went really well. In the spring, I co-led a small team of all girls to the Central American nations of Belize & Guatemala. I had a great time and God totally redeemed outreach for me.
For the first time, I was on outreach without being sick the entire time, my living conditions were actually pretty nice, we had really good ministry opportunities, and my team was great. I began to learn that you don't have to be miserable , sick, and suffering to be serving Jesus. I also learned to enjoy evangelism & preaching. (I still am challenged by these two things, but learned that I can do them!)
The school ended in June and I had a pretty chill, quiet summer. I worked for the Visa Dept. on campus and worked to help our international students be able to get into the States. Towards the end of the summer, some things came up from my time in Africa that I thought had been dealt with. I was wrong.
As I began to work through these things, and allow the Lord to bring healing, it totally evolved into something different and I had no idea what I was about to enter into.
In dealing with some of my woundedness, I think I let my guard down and the enemy totally took advantage of it. I entered into about a 3 month season of darkness & oppression. Now, I don't believe that believers can be possessed by the enemy, but I absolutely believe you can be attacked & oppressed by the enemy.
I went through this period of feeling a heavy darkness over me, feeling no joy, feeling no excitement, and not wanting to be around people at all. My heart is for discipleship & hospitality, two things that very much involve people. Yet here I was, not wanting to be around people at all, found myself irritated by them most of the time, and wanted to pull into my introverted tendencies more than ever.
Some of my closest friendships were very strained, I began listening to lies that I shouldn't be here, that no one liked me or wanted to be around me, and I completely questioned my identity.
It sucked. A lot.
I wouldn't say I was depressed, because I had no problem with getting up in the mornings and going to work, and there were moments of breakthrough, with glimpses of joy. Yet the heaviness would always come back.
The strange thing was, even though I felt no joy and had no passion for anything, God's presence was never questioned. I was always aware of Him, could hear his voice, and knew he was walking with me through this time.
I began to have revelations of His love, and began to learn that nothing I do will ever change His love for me. My value is not based upon what I do or don't do. This seems to be something that I never quite get, but it's sinking in now, more than ever.
After much journaling & crying out, in December, I finally felt God lift me out of this darkness. It's been an uphill climb ever since (uphill in a good way). I've begun to feel more like myself; begun to have joy again; begun to enjoy being with people again.
Though this last season was really hard, I wouldn't change it. I grew so much closer to God during that time. A new tenderness developed for Him, and I find myself even more in love with Him and aware of His love. It's strange how that can happen...that something totally awful can actually end up being a good thing.
I'm not really sure why I'm telling you all this, except to say, God is so faithful to you. If you're going through a challenging time, know that God is with you. If you feel oppressed, God is standing with you. If you don't know what to do, God is with you. Cry out to Him and He is faithful to respond. God is Faithful.
For the first time, I was on outreach without being sick the entire time, my living conditions were actually pretty nice, we had really good ministry opportunities, and my team was great. I began to learn that you don't have to be miserable , sick, and suffering to be serving Jesus. I also learned to enjoy evangelism & preaching. (I still am challenged by these two things, but learned that I can do them!)
The school ended in June and I had a pretty chill, quiet summer. I worked for the Visa Dept. on campus and worked to help our international students be able to get into the States. Towards the end of the summer, some things came up from my time in Africa that I thought had been dealt with. I was wrong.
As I began to work through these things, and allow the Lord to bring healing, it totally evolved into something different and I had no idea what I was about to enter into.
In dealing with some of my woundedness, I think I let my guard down and the enemy totally took advantage of it. I entered into about a 3 month season of darkness & oppression. Now, I don't believe that believers can be possessed by the enemy, but I absolutely believe you can be attacked & oppressed by the enemy.
I went through this period of feeling a heavy darkness over me, feeling no joy, feeling no excitement, and not wanting to be around people at all. My heart is for discipleship & hospitality, two things that very much involve people. Yet here I was, not wanting to be around people at all, found myself irritated by them most of the time, and wanted to pull into my introverted tendencies more than ever.
Some of my closest friendships were very strained, I began listening to lies that I shouldn't be here, that no one liked me or wanted to be around me, and I completely questioned my identity.
It sucked. A lot.
I wouldn't say I was depressed, because I had no problem with getting up in the mornings and going to work, and there were moments of breakthrough, with glimpses of joy. Yet the heaviness would always come back.
The strange thing was, even though I felt no joy and had no passion for anything, God's presence was never questioned. I was always aware of Him, could hear his voice, and knew he was walking with me through this time.
I began to have revelations of His love, and began to learn that nothing I do will ever change His love for me. My value is not based upon what I do or don't do. This seems to be something that I never quite get, but it's sinking in now, more than ever.
After much journaling & crying out, in December, I finally felt God lift me out of this darkness. It's been an uphill climb ever since (uphill in a good way). I've begun to feel more like myself; begun to have joy again; begun to enjoy being with people again.
Though this last season was really hard, I wouldn't change it. I grew so much closer to God during that time. A new tenderness developed for Him, and I find myself even more in love with Him and aware of His love. It's strange how that can happen...that something totally awful can actually end up being a good thing.
I'm not really sure why I'm telling you all this, except to say, God is so faithful to you. If you're going through a challenging time, know that God is with you. If you feel oppressed, God is standing with you. If you don't know what to do, God is with you. Cry out to Him and He is faithful to respond. God is Faithful.
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