Seasons: Guess I do have a heart, after all.

Somewhere along the way, I picked up the belief that is was better to be strong and not show emotions, rather than to be emotional, and I prided myself in the fact that I wasn't one of those weepy girls. Then I did my DTS, and I suddenly became much more emotional. I found myself much more sensitive to the Spirit, and other things. For the first time, I would tear up during movies or TV shows...Extreme Home Make-Over would always get me. When I heard amazing God-stories, I would have tears rise up. When I heard people's difficult situations, my heart would be moved. I was no longer as hardened as I was.

Even though I was much more in touch with my emotions, I still had trouble with always being aware of them. I am very much a task person. I enjoy checklists and I enjoy even more, crossing things off my checklists. (Sometimes I will even add things I've already done simply for the joy of having it crossed off on a list. Yes, I'm a weirdo.) So being a task person, I will get into what I call "Go Mode." This is where I do what I have to do and I move on...without feeling, without reflection. In some instances, such as high-pressure or crisis moments, this is very helpful because I can think logically and do what I need to do without letting emotions distract. The downside to this is that I am really bad at reflecting on how I'm feeling because I've moved on already and didn't allow myself to feel, and also people think that I just don't care. But then things slow down, and I begin to think of what just took place, and all the emotions hit me. And then it sucks.

Ok, I guess it doesn't really suck, because it shows that I really do have a heart, but it's really hard. This has just happened to me recently. I just ended an amazing 9 month season. It was a season full of stretching, growth, laughter, joy, new experiences, deepened friendships. I had amazing housemates, staffed a great DTS, had a wonderful outreach to Belize & Guatemala where we saw great fruit, and had some awesome friendships formed. Life was good.

But as seasons do, this amazing season just came to an end. With the school being over, the crazy schedule has come to an end and there is much more free time. Friends left and moved on to other things. I am suddenly not surrounded by people for the first time in 9 months and I find myself lonely, even though the introvert in me wants alone time. I've had to say goodbye to amazing friends I may never see again, this side of heaven. That is lame. My housing situation has changed. I just realized in the last month, I've stayed in 5 different locations. Currently, I'm living out of a suitcase for the next month and a half, sleeping on the floor in someone else's room, and don't know who my housemates are going to be. I'm not entirely sure what my day to day is going to look like, and my idea of the long-term future is no longer established.

All of the above mentioned things are not that horrible in and of themselves. But put them all together at once, add in a little PMS, and it leaves you feeling very discombobulated and like things are much worse than they actually are. I like order, plans, my own space, smoothness. But now I have uncertainty of the future, no place that is my own, and a whole bunch of emotions. I know that emotions are not bad. It's good to feel. God has feelings. It's good to be aware of your heart. But I also know that it's not healthy to base everything off of feeling. Sometimes they're just so distracting!

So I'm currently in this place of the unknown. I'm missing my close friends and I just want things to be the same again, though I know that cannot be, nor is it God's plan. I've never had such a hard time with a school ending, but I've also never had as good a season as this one was. I guess I was just caught off guard with all these emotions. They do exist, they just don't surface often, so when they do, I'm a little shocked by it all.

In the end, though, I'm left in a place of thankfulness. I am thankful that my friends have moved on to what God has for them. They will be used by Him in mighty ways and for His glory. That's what it's all about anyway. Plus, even if I don't see them again here, there's always eternity in heaven. I'm thankful that I have a roof over my head and to be living where I am living (I'll get my own space soon enough). I'm thankful for amazing supporters who have stuck with me in prayer, encouragement & financial support. I'm thankful for my wonderful family who is always there for me. I'm thankful for my health. I'm thankful to live in a community surrounded by people who are all hungry for God and seeking Him. I'm thankful for emotions, that I'm able to connect with people and that I'm not a heartless robot. I'm thankful that I'm saved! Shoot, I get to spend eternity in heaven with Jesus.

God blessed me with an amazing 9 months. I learned more about Him, grew in who I was, made amazing friends, and experienced tons of joy in all of it. And because I know that He is good, and I have His Word to stand on, I know that He has plans for my wholeness and not for evil, and plans to give me a future and a hope. (Jer. 29:11) All seasons come to an end, but there are good things in each one that comes. I didn't expect the goodness of this last one, so who knows what the next one holds!

A few pics of the people & things I'm thankful for from the last 9 months...